Regular readers will doubtless be wiping spat tea off their computer screens after that bombshell.  How can a dues-paying Apple fanboy like me even contemplate such treason?

I have four reasons:

1. I am growing bored 0f the iOS/iBooks/iTunes experience. In an effort to protect us from the dark side of the force Apple acts as arbiter of app suitability, publishing only those it deems suitable and barring the rest. This gives us and our families a safe, polished, user-friendly experience that is about as white-knuckle as Disney’s It’s A Small World ride.  I’d rather have a freer app marketplace and judge for myself.

2.  Android is really nice, and if you don’t like the stock version the device comes with you can download and install a different one for complete control of your UI (techies only).

3. Goldilocks screen size. My iPad’s screen is too big, my phone’s too small. I reckon a 7-8 inch would be perfect: big enough for ebooks, web, and movies yet small enough to be portable and easy to hold in awkward positions (bed).

4. Samsung kit is very well built and designed. My Galaxy SII is small and light yet robust. It looks gorgeous and works really well, so a Samsung tablet would do all of that, bigger.

As I wait to get my hands on my new Galaxy Tab 7.7 I feel a bit like someone working their month’s notice: I still pick up my iPad and use it but I’m just going through the motions, feeling a mixture of guilt and excitement that pastures new are just around the corner.

I’ve changed my mind. A bit.

My default position is anti- when it comes to “special” versions of movies. This is partly a simple resistance to change (human nature, we all have this. Yes, you do) and also partly a symptom of my increasing grumpiness, which seems to be maturing and hardening and growing fatter along with me. On seeing the words “Director’s Cut”, “Extended Edition”, or “previously unseen footage” I immediately adopt a cynical yeah-right-who-are-they-trying-to-kid attitude and quietly wish there was a cheaper, basic no frills DVD with just the original movie on it.

I was seduced by The Dark Side over Christmas. Santa brought me my first Blu-ray player (If I’m honest that’s what I asked for in my letter, so it’s my own fault really) and a few discs, including Gladiator and the Alien Anthology. Both are favourites of mine (talking only of the original Alien here) and both directed by the great Ridley Scott. I’d never played with Blu-rays before so I was quite impressed with the menus and navigation systems, the one exception being the stupid sound effects added to the Gladiator menus. Each time you select an option you get a futuristic zap gun sound or a camera shutter; totally incongruous to the type of movie. How does this kind of stupid mistake slip through the net?

Anyway I digress…

This sent shivers down my spine when I first saw the cinema release at The Odeon Leicester Square in London. I was eighteen.

I perhaps shouldn’t have been but was surprised when both discs offered me a choice of version. In the case of Alien it was between either the 1979 Theatrical Release or the 2003 Director’s Cut, and with Gladiator either the 2000 original or the 2005 Special Edition. Being (literally) a kid with a new toy I went for the bestest most special-ist of course. Both later editions opened with Ridley Scott doing an intro to camera, beginning with “Hello, I’m Ridley Scott. What you’re about to see when you press Play is…”. My inner Mr. Grumpy railed at the prospect of having to listen to him boast about how brilliant he is and how this “special” edition was put together by his own two hands just for my viewing pleasure, so I skipped over both intros.

I enjoyed Alien about the same as the original, and only noticed a couple of changes (but then, I wasn’t really looking for them). Gladiator on the other hand was worse than the original. At about 17 minutes longer it included several scenes not in the original, and I felt none of which added anything.

"What we do in life, echoes in eternity."

Anyway I’d been thinking about doing a blog rant about this and this morning decided to watch Scott’s two introductions and check some further facts, by way of research. Although the two intros look similar on fast-forward they actually couldn’t be any more different. With Alien he talks about how he was pretty proud of the original but has reviewed it several times over the last 25 years (recorded in 2003 when the D.C. came out), and he ends by saying this is the version he prefers. He added about four minutes of scenes, but also trimmed about five minutes elsewhere, leaving the Director’s Cut a few seconds shorter than the original. (Note to self: need to watch it again now armed with this new information). In the intro to Gladiator Special Edition Scott had this, and only this, to say:

“I consider the Director’s Cut of the movie to be the version released in cinemas. Here is the special edition, which contains some scenes that were deleted during the editing process, that might be worth seeing.”

Quite clearly he was contractually obliged to produce this by 20^th Century Fox. It’s interesting how a director can have such a different feeling about two of his movies, yet have to ‘play the game’ all the same.

So, what’s my position on ‘specials’ now? I’m still ‘agin ‘em by default but I will at least hear out the details on a case by case basis before passing judgment in future.

What Director’s Cuts, or Special Editions to you love/hate? Please let’s keep Lord Of The Rings out of this? Still drunk on a cocktail of HD entertainment I just received my order of LOTR: Extended Edition box set. Fifteen discs. Fifteen.

But that was then — well before Christmas — and my hair has done its usual thing and grown back as scruffily as it knows how. So today it was time to return to the Barbeiro and make myself look beautiful for my birthday; which is also today! Happy Birthday to me!

How can I explain to my Portuguese-speaking barber how I want my hair done?, I asked myself. I know, I’ll search t’Internet for a photo of someone with the kind of haircut I usually have, and take that in on my phone. A picture’s worth a thousand words after all, whether in English or Portuguese.

So, I surfed over to images.google.com and typed in “Men’s hairstyles No.4 tapered neck”. I was surprised how poor the results were. Surely this is a common problem and loads of people are looking for hairstyle photos to show their barbers? I really didn’t get what I was looking for, but I did find one pic that quite closely resembles my ideal look:

I taught him everything he knows about tonsorial style.

Yes, as it turns out Zac Effron has copied my style and been snapped sporting this Caesar Cut. You can’t blame him really. So I copied this pic to my phone and took it along, and when the Angolan barber asked me what I wanted (I couldn’t actually make out the words but it was that point in the proceedings so I could guess his meaning) I produced my phone with a flourish, pointed to the photo of Zac and said, “Assim!”, which means “Like this!”

Much clipping, snipping, and scraping with a naked razor blade ensued, during most of which I tried to relax by closing my eyes. But when I finally opened them I was pleasantly surprised. He had actually done a pretty job of giving me a “Zac”.

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It's not Zac again, it's me!

When Karen got home from work her first words were, “Blimey, it’s Zac in my living room!”, so that clinched it. I made her take some front/side/back mugshots so from now on I can tell any barber, whatever their tongue, how to Zac me up.

The gorgeous Finepix X100

The X100 is much more than a compact digital camera, and I was about to say it is in between compacts and digital SLRs, but that’s not strictly accurate. The camera has so many great features, and a truly wonderful lens combined with a revolutionary hybrid optical/electronic viewfinder, all wrapped up in a well-built retro design that reminds me of my old Olympus trip. It has all the quality and features of leading DSLRs, all it does not have is interchangeable lenses. Instead it has a prime 23mm f2.0 lens with the shutter built in.

Another classic camera. This time from the Old 35mm Days.

Anyway I returned to Luanda with my cherished new possession, and couldn’t wait to try it out. A photographer’s article on Google+ about zone focusing gave me the idea to try and shoot some Luanda street life from the passenger seat of the car. With Dino driving me to the supermarket I (here comes the techie part) set the X100 to manual focus and pre-focused the lens to 2.5 metres, and set an aperture of f8 with the ISO set to 800. This combination would allow me to use shutter speeds fast enough to capture images from a moving vehicle without blurring, and without the need to wait for autofocus to engage (through a dirty car window) (end of techie part) I was able to snap away quickly.

The resulting collection of candid shots pleased me as a first outing with the camera. Right, I thought. All I now need to do is to upload the pics to my Smugmug page, then embed a slideshow in this post, and we’ll have a winning first posting for 2012 on our hands!

But No.

WordPress has pissed me off today. In an apparent attempt to coerce its users to keep their images on WordPress and use its own image features rather than those of another site they have blocked the adding of third-party embed code to posts. Long story short (and jargon-free): I can’t show you a slideshow directly on this page without copying all the photos here first, and I’m not going to give WordPress the satisfaction of doing that.

So, instead, here’s a static image that, when you click on it, will take you over to Smugmug to view the slideshow there.

Click image to jump to the Smugmug site and then click Slideshow (Grr!)

Is that what you wanted WordPress? I hope you’re satisfied!

Hmph. (hope you like the pics)

So, I have completely neglected this blog for the last four months. That’s a record, even with my dire track record at updating it. Yet I love to write, so whassup with that?

The short answer is, I don’t know. I’m just useless I guess. Sorry. On the plus side I’ve come to the realisation that none of you cares about my lame excuses for not writing so I’m not going to bore you with them. It’s a New Year, so let’s all turn over a new leaf and see if 2012 has you coming back here for more wit, hilarity, and incisive commentary.

I was looking around the lounge this morning in search of inspiration when I noticed some ornaments on the main shelf of our dresser. I moved one or two things around, set my camera up for HDR exposures, and after manipulating the image a little on the computer I got this image:

I really like the colours, the way the HDR processing has brought out the grain of the wood, and how the special filters I applied give the photo the look of a painting.

There is a whole world of HDR creativity out there waiting to be discovered!

I have always been a pretty good photographer, but up until recently was satisfied with the results that came right out of the camera. Lately I’ve been connecting with professional photographers on Google+ and their work and advice has inspired me to try harder and see just how good my results can get.

Time for a couple of examples: first, HDR..

Ambassador's Residence, British Embassy, Luanda, Angola.

HDR (High Dynamic Range) photography involves combining three of more images of the same subject, all taken at different exposure levels. The result gives more detail than you could ever get with a single digital exposure but the process is a bit involved; definitely not something you’d want to do with every picture you take. In addition to “HDR-ing” the image above I added a paint effect, and the final image looks kind of hand-coloured.

Luanda by night

The effects of HDR are even more pronounced in night photography, since there is more variation in highlights and shadow. Using this method you can get really nice night shots with lots of detail that you would otherwise miss.

My next experiment was making a photo look vintage by artificially ageing it. I found this tutorial very useful in achieving this result:

Prince of Wales Museum in Mumbai. The original image.

Vintage version of the same shot (done in Pixelmator)

It’s amazing what you can do with digital photography if you’re prepared to invest a little time and effort. You can see full-size copies of these and other photos of mine on my new SmugMug page.

The boat dock is at the end of a long and narrow concrete causeway, so to even reach the island you either have to walk the two hundred yards or pay 10 Rupees each for a return ticket on the narrow gauge railway. The train was one of those little ones with open carriages like you get at theme parks, only older, noisier, and bumpier. Being a 5 Star kind of guy I paid the 40 Rupees for the family to travel in style. The five minute journey was spent watching the half-dozen stray dogs that ran alongside hoping for tidbits and recovering from the whiplash injuries sustained from the train’s jerky start. Once we reached land the sheer folly of the task ahead was clear. Before us rose a long, twisting stone stairway leading up into the hills. The stairs were wet and slippery, lined on both sides by souvenir stalls and covered by sheets of blue plastic sheeting to keep the rain off. By the time we’d reached the top of the climb we were exhausted and sweaty, and had already used up a third of our available time.

We fast-walked to the first cave and took a couple of photos, then headed off in search of the second (there are five). Just short of the second cave we found a toilet block and I was starting to get anxious about missing the boat back, so Elliot went on to view cave #2 on our behalf while the rest of us powdered our noses. The trip back down the stairway was quicker, partly because we were now going down but also because the stall vendors had all shut up shop for the day–another danger sign that time was running out. At the bottom of the hill I bought some snacks and drinks–what with the heat, the exertion, and the anxiety, my blood sugar was running low–then boarded the rickety train back. Once again the train jerked into life without warning, and once again we had stray dog outriders. They looked at me with eternal hope in their eyes as I scoffed all the chocolate biscuits in the pack while staring blankly back.

We made it to the boat with a few minutes to spare and sat down facing four young Indian lads who had all bought large corn on the cobs. As we set off back to Mumbai across the grey, choppy waters we faced each other: I with my crisps and Coke and they with their corn. Further over to my right were two men with a small boy, sitting by the guard rail.

A little later I finished my crisps and looked around for a litter bin. On not finding one, I did what any law-abiding Brit would do and put the litter in my bag until I’d find a bin at the dock. The four Indian lads were less scrupulous, and one by one as they finished their corn they got up, walked over to where the two men and boy were sitting and threw their rubbish over the side. By this time we were about halfway back, and one of the two men–whom I took to be the boy’s father–was starting to look queasy. I’m not prone to seasickness myself but I could see how the boat’s rocking and tilting could set one off. Sure enough, a couple of minutes later he jumped up and threw up over the side of the boat. The rest of us looked on, part in sympathy and part with worry about wind direction. He sat down again, looking pale, but was up and hurling again soon after. This second lot also stayed outside the boat, to group relief, and afterward he stood there leaning over the edge, trying to regain his composure. It was at this point that Abigail remembered the bottle of water she had in her bag. She’d brought it from the hotel room and it was still unopened. Thinking the sick man would appreciate some fresh water she walked over and gave the bottle to his friend/brother. He immediately and silently took it and dropped it over the side. We exchanged a few “what just happened there?” looks with our fellow passengers, all of whom had been on Vomit Alert this whole time, and so had been watching the proceedings carefully. The man quickly realised his error and smiled awkwardly, to muted titters. Sick Man, oblivious, remained with his back to us, gazing out to sea and wishing he had some water.

And in my dreams I have MBS, or Multiple Bike Syndrome.

Yes, my second double garage would house my collection of motorcycles, one for each of my moods. I’ve been spending a bit of time on Yamaha’s website lately, wondering which bike to get next. I love my CB1300 (Honda) to bits, and there is nothing at all wrong with it, but with so many great bikes and so little time before I’m either too fat or too arthritic to ride, I want to play the field and sample the variety of experiences that motorcycling has to offer.

Yamaha is a great brand and it’s looking likely that my next purchase will sport the Three Tuning Forks.

In fact, If my dreams came true and I could truly succumb to my MBS lust I could get my collection off to a great start without ever having to leave the Yamaha dealership:

I’d have these four:

The Fazer Thou, for everyday use and Sunday morning ridess

The FZ-1 Fazer is undoubtedly the best all-rounder of the bunch, providing a more comfortable riding position than the R1 but with a good portion of its superbike performance. This is the one for flicking around the Twisties on a Sunday morning, and filtering through traffic on the North Circular during the week.

The FJR-1300A, for long trips and weekends away

With all-day riding comfort promised by the adjustable seat, handlebars, and screen, and with heated grips and matching side cases as standard, the FJR-1300 is the Daddy. Perfect for long weekends away with the Missus (if I can get her near it). If Radley did motorcycle leathers I might stand a chance…

The R1, for track days and short sharp adrenaline hits

The R1 is Yamaha’s road-legal superbike, and an insanely fast machine. Crippling on my back after anything longer than an hour, but Fun with a capital F.

...and the MT-01 for posing at The Ace Cafe

And finally there’s the MT-01. I love this bike’s aggresive stance, massive throaty V-Twin engine and high level twin exhausts. A real head turner. This is the one I’d choose for showing off in The Ace Cafe car park.

Ooh, I’m getting all hot under the collar just imagining it. Meanwhile, back in the real world, I’ll only be able to afford one, so it’ll almost certainly be the FJR-1300, the Old Man’s Bike of the bunch. I don’t even know why I’m thinking about this now though–my next bike is at least a year away. Still, it’s nice to dream…

WEEKEND CHORES

• Take out the rubbish
• Clean out the fridge
• Update my apps

Don’t get me wrong: I love my iPad, but having to keep all my apps in tip top condition is becoming as much a chore as weeding the garden or cutting my toenails. You can keep putting it off, and you hardly notice the day-to-day difference, but in the back of your mind you know the problem is getting steadily worse and that the longer you leave it, the more traumatic attending to it will eventually be.

Here are the four horsemen of my App-ocalypse:

1. New Apps
New apps come out all the time, each doing what they do better than the competition. On my iPad I have two calculators, three news readers, five “Ideas” apps (that I never use but can’t bring myself to delete, because I’m sure they’ll come in handy one day), and more games than I care to count.
Why do I keep buying/downloading new apps that do the same thing as my existing apps? Because they’re newer, and shinier, and they often improve on what went before. My three news-readers are: Pulse, Blogshelf, and Flipboard, all of which do similar things, but they each have characteristics that irritate me, and some that delight me, so I end up keeping all three and using them in different ways.
And games? They’re my little treat to myself; I buy myself a new game whenever I’m at a loose end or need cheering up. After all, it’s only £1.79, right? It’s frightening how all those £1.79’s and £0.59’s add up. I have no idea how much money I’ve spent in the App Store, and I don’t want to know. All I do know is, I only use around 20% of what I’ve bought, the rest having been discarded to the bottom of my digital toy box. And you can’t sell them on eBay.

2. Updates
Vendors regularly update their apps to keep pace with the competition. Whether it is to fix a bug or to add a new feature or two, when a vendor publishes an update, users get the famous little Red Notification Button on their device to announce the update’s availability. The button counter increments for each app update that is added to the store, so if you don’t attend to it regularly the number creeps up. Just like the number of unread emails in my inbox, the update notification sits there quietly stressing me out, reminding me that I have chores to do. ITunes provides the same nagging reminder, but at least I get to choose whether to update an app directly on the device (and have it copy to iTunes on the next sync), or download the update in iTunes and do the reverse. My iPad is currently nagging me that I have 19 updates waiting.

The Dreaded Red Button

Part-way through the update marathon

3. Two iTunes Store accounts
I bought my iPad in the U.S., before it was released in the U.K., because I’m an early adopter (sometimes referred to as a show-off). The U.K. App Store had not yet opened so I got myself an account on the U.S. store. This seemed like a good idea at the time, and for a while I happily bought apps, games and books so that I could show off one of the first fully kitted out iPads in the U.K. Shortly afterward the U.K. App Store opened and the problem went away.

Or did it?

NO.

The problem I have had to carry with me ever since is that updates are tied to the Apple ID used to purchase them. So now when my Red Button tells me I have 19 updates to install, some of them are tied to my U.K. ID and some to the U.S. one, and I have no way of telling which is which (unless I go through them manually and make notes, which I can’t be bothered to do). If I try to get updates on my iPad I get prompted to enter my Apple ID and password each time, and it gets VERY tedious having to continually sign out of one store and into the other, then back again, then back again, then… you get the idea. Things are slightly better in iTunes—you only ‘see’ the updates from the store you are currently signed into—so now I use that because at least I only have to sign out and in once.

4. Multiple Devices
I also have an iPod Touch, and it too uses the same App Store and Red Button system. Things are further complicated by the fact that some apps are iPod Touch and iPhone, some are iPad only, and some are universal (buy once, run anywhere). When I got the iPad I stopped using apps on the iPod Touch, and now use it only for music, but all the apps and games I used to use are still there, and my little Red Button count currently stands at a neglected 37. True, I can grab all the updates in iTunes, but I still have to sync both devices separately, which doesn’t seem worth it for the iPod seeing as I don’t use those apps anymore.

1+2+3+4=AAARGHH!

So thanks Apple. You make lovely toys and I can’t stop myself from buying them, but all the time I saved by having my digital life made portable I now spend trying to keep my iOS house in order.

How likely is it that iCloud will solve all my problems? Not very.