I was browsing the morning news on my iPad in bed this morning when this headline almost made me spray a mouthful of tea over the duvet. When you click the link below to read the (very brief) story you will, like me, just be gagging for more details.
“What?? Why would anyone decide to singlehandedly attack a gang of Hell’s Angels AT ALL, let alone a young student!” What could have motivated such a potentially life-shortening act? Maybe they’d recently “initiated” his sister. Maybe he was a religious nut who sees them as the spawn of the Devil. Guess we’ll never know.
OK, let’s assume he did have a valid reason (and if so I demand that Reuters find it out and report it back to me). Hmm, so you’ve got a real reason to hate those Hell’s Angels over there and you’ve decided to put your life on the line and attack them all by yourself. What should be your weapon of choice? What is going to inflict maximum damage without putting your own life too much at risk: A machine gun? A stolen hand grenade (I’m assuming here that you can’t buy hand grenades over the counter, but then this is Germany)? No, that would be boring and predictable. I know, I’ll lob a puppy at them.
I just need to know more. Was it his puppy or did he seize it from its unfortunate owner who just happened upon the scene? German Shepherd puppy or Chihuahua puppy? It matters! For speculation of range if nothing else. All we do know from the story is that the puppy survived the ordeal, so please don’t have nightmares about it.
But it gets weirder. The story goes on to say that Our Hero then, having hurled the puppy and shouted abuse, decides it’s time to make his getaway… in a stolen bulldozer. Of course! Why didn’t I see that coming! If you’re going to steal a vehicle for the purposes of fleeing a Hell’s Angels battle scene, complete with dazed puppy, then surely even the most demented madman would look at all the cars/scooters/bicycles around before settling on that bulldozer over the road. I could walk away and still put more distance between me and my enemy. How come they didn’t catch up with him? Was it a turbo bulldozer? Did the puppy miraculously ricochet of every Angel’s head and knock them all out? I NEED TO KNOW
Either Reuters needs to follow this up with a full exposé — events leading up to, a blow-by-blow account of the battle, and let’s not forget the trauma of those poor bikers who were probably just enjoying a cold beer after a long ride and did nothing to deserve this — or I’m going to have to assume that the reporter had been smoking something he shouldn’t have.